where do you keep your heart?
allykay (adj.)
girl. spectacle wearing, geek at heart, computer game playing, story writing, tree climbing, coffee drinker, always questioning. loved.
- All content is not hers unless specified, which is then all rights reserved.
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Some times
I go a little bit off track in my head. I’ll be focused on something, and then a random thought will come in and most times it’s utterly random.
Some of the most random thoughts today:
1. Cafeteria food and how I’m so thankful I had some of the most amazing food back in school. Fried rice, fried nuggets, fried chicken, vegie, soup noodles… yum*
2. Colourful houses and how my house is totally going to be radically colourful. My mind cannot wrap around the idea of people hating colours. Colours are just so beautiful *deep breath in* Wonders if there’s still a chance for that orange piano in our music room :)
3. Home-made, handmade toys. When I have kids one day, I’m going to turn everyday objects into toys. It’s cheaper and way more imaginative than the generic toys in toyshops! My kids are going to have bounds of creativity and imagination!
4. Baby breath and how under-rated these amazing flowers are. I love how they remind me of clean laundry, feminity, braids, flower prints and spring :) LOVE!
5. Hungry. haha! Yeah, time to get some food.
aLLy
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The Reason
2 Corinthians 5:7
The Message (MSG)
6-8That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we’ll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.
Living by faith & Not by sight.
I walk this path, this unknown path. Unsure of what lies ahead, unsure of many things- but “unreasonable faith” I hold on tight to the promises and plans He has for me. Funny how I did not see this coming when I prayed to be shaken, stirred, challenged.
And while there is plenty of unknowns ahead, I’m excited. It will all be well. It will all fall into place. I believe it, because He brought Josh and me together, our Marriage is God planned, our finances is God planned, our future is God planned. I believe that He will put everything into place, because He already has since the beginning. He will now too.
aLLy
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Source: txtonpix
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Picture Me This
A house is just a house, made of bricks, wood, windows and doors. A heart in a house, makes it a home.
That’s what I believe in, that’s what I tell people, that’s what I tell ourselves.
I don’t care what house we live in, whether its made of wood, stone or hay. I don’t care how old or new it is.
What I care is, a house where we are sheltered from the weather outside, a roof over our head and a place where we can gather and live. A place where our children can study, play, learn, discover, explore, grow. A place where Monty cat can run free, own the furniture, scratch the carpets, eat, and not worry about destroying things. A place where Josh can play his guitar peacefully, play games, do work, service his car without worrying about whether he’s too loud, or too messy or too distracted. A place where I can be organised, make awesome cakes, cookies, read a good book, snuggle under a blanket, have a great soak without worrying whether I’m too dirty, or too untidy, or too quiet, or too neat.
I care for a house, to make into a home. A place where we can call our own. A place that represents us, a place where we can raise our children, a place where we are a family. A place where when we come home and we aren’t afraid to check our masks at the door. A place where we can be who we truly are, without worrying about being judged, criticised, told off for being us. A place where my children can imagine, be creative, be free without boundaries. I believe that getting A’s is one thing, being imaginative and creative is another. Our kids, will be creative after all, their mother is a writer and their father is a musician. Our kids can make mistakes without being condemned or made to feel small. A place where mistakes are forgiven, sorry is natural and never a shortage of love and patience.
A house is just walls, stone and all that. It’s us, that makes it a home. I want a home. I really want a home.
aLLy
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Even in Chaos
Chaos.
- a condition or place of great disorder or confusion
- a disorderly mess. a jumble.
My life. That’s what it is since everything went topsy-turvy inside-out. And there are some days I just want to lie in bed and cut everyone out of my life because sometimes the more voices you hear, the more confused you get. And for the past few days I’ve been irritated, irked what has been happening and for a moment, all I wanted to do was to face this alone, like how I’m used to.
Chaos does this to me. It isolates me when I’m feeling down, depressed, frustrated. And the first things that always come in my head is “you don’t know what its like” and that puts me in a place where no one gets it. It’s not the first time, and slowly sometimes I feel like I’m slipping back to that horrible place I’ve fought so hard to put behind, to get out off.
But I sort of know better to let myself go there without a fight. And today, I was reading the bible, it has been this way. Everytime I feel like I’m going back into the dark, the first thing I reach for is the bible. And it uplifts me. Even when I feel the loneliest, His word has the ability to make me feel like I’m not.
Jeremiah 17:4
Pick up the pieces God and put me back together again. You are my Praise.
In that quiet voice: He says “It’s not about you.”
And true enough, it’s not about me. This mess I’m in, is just mess. It’s just broken pieces. And I know God can put me back together again. And when He does, it’s because He is God, and the glory, all of it, is His and His alone. It was never about me in the first place.
Even in chaos, I belong to Him so that He can shine greatly.
aLLy
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I don’t want to be
– Gavin Degraw- I don’t want to be
Anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms
Wondering what I’ve got to do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me -
Source: what-id-wear
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Haters Gonna Hate, Cut them out.
I remember posting 2 weeks ago how I’m proud I be me, and I would never trade who I am with anyone else, that I don’t wish to be in someone else’s shoes. I still don’t.
But the past 2 weeks has been one of the most trying times I’ve ever been through. Firstly, I got hurt by the very people who were supposed to “look out for me” as it was their duty. The very people who should “love me” unconditionally and yet there I was being judged, criticized, demotivated, insulted, back-stabbed and literally emotionally, mentally and spiritually abused. Try fending of two enemies at one go, I was almost breaking point. Especially when I’m being attacked and the people I love and the things I love are being attacked along with it. But I refused to be a victim.
Needless to say, in two weeks, it was pretty clear how “real” and how “fake” these people’s words are. And it was clear who had my best interest at heart and who just wanted to pull Me down in the mud together with them. Bible scriptures were quoted, but I too know who My God is and what my purpose and calling is.
Today the hardest straw came in the form of an attack on the things I do best. The things I love. See what they have failed to see, is that I have passion
For the things I do. I love it. It’s my air, it’s my blood. I will rather die than not do what I do. Knowing this, it was the most painful of blows but also the most easiest decision to ever make. See, if I was just doing what I do just for the title, I would have given it up. But I’m not. I believe in the things I do, the impact I’ve made the people I’ve touched and blessed. So attacks like these only makes me stronger, it pushes me into fight mode. And fight I will.They think threats will work, they think I will bend and just obey like I don’t have a mind of my own. They are wrong, there’s nothing that can hold me down or kill this fire. Because I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for God. And right from the start, I’ve only had one thing on my mind. So nope, there is no way I’m backing down, no way I’m giving up and no way I’m burning out.
I’m a fighter, I’m always a fighter. I choose my battles wisely, and this is one battle I will not sit out of. I will squish anyone who stands in my way, I will cut off anyone who pulls me down together with them. I don’t need anymore negativity than what is already in my head. And I don’t need to be told what not to do, by someone who doesn’t know me and assumes the worst of me, who judges me on hearsay, who gave up their own calling and tells me my life is a lie.
Ally
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Maturity is NOT an age.
The other day, I was thinking what maturity is. I know what experience is, and when it comes to THAT department, I’m lacking. I’m just 24, compared to that of a 84 year old, my experience level probably just a grain of salt. BUT, I am determined NOT to let that mean that my maturity level can’t match them OR be BETTER than them.
See I see Maturity as NOT a number, it does not correspond with your age or the number of heartbreaks and success you have, and it certainly does not correspond with the number of grey hairs you have. Maturity is always a CHOICE. I have met the most immature adults, the kind of adults that can’t hold themselves, who gets insulted over the pettiest of things, who think they’re all that, who ignores the feelings of others, who are selfish, who gossips, talks bad, insults things that aren’t going their way, throw threats just because they feel sidelined.
These are ADULTS. Full grown men and women, who have families themselves, who have been working for many many many many years, who has definitely MORE EXPERIENCE than what I’ll ever have, and YET, they act like they are a toddler.
I may be just 24, no experience in life, probably have heartbreaks that can fill an ice tray and yet, everyday, I choose NOT to go into things like those. I choose to be the better bigger person, I choose to stand up for my believes and stands, but TOLERATE those who doesn’t have the same stands as mine instead of forcing mine down their throats, I choose to uphold the respect and dignity of every man, woman and child in my words and actions, irregardless of their past, their age or their statuses, I choose to not bring down a person just because they’ve done me wrong, insulted me or just because they have disappointed me, but instead I choose to walk away, I choose to have “no comment” and I believe that whatever I lose in this life, I will get back one way or another because I choose to handle it with respect, with honor and with integrity.
It’s a choice, a choice I have to make everyday. And getting older doesn’t make making these choices easier. That’s why I believe that Maturity is NOT an age issue, its a choice issue. Maturity comes the moment you STOP acting like a child.
And trust me, I’ve seen enough childish adults to know that you don’t have to be 50 to make the right decisions. I started choosing to act this way when I was 15. The more practice that goes into making the right choices, the easier it gets. Today at 24, I’m better at walking away, I’m better at choosing what I fight for, I’m better at not talking bad about those who do me wrong and I’m a better at believing that whatever I do now, reflects upon my God. And I’m certainly NOT going to be the one who disgraces Him.
aLLy
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Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will – his personal responsibility.”
– YOUR LIFE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!
Albert Einstein -
Your Life. Your Responsibility.
This week more than ever, there’s this glaring revelation. The moment you fail to take responsibility over yourself, you lose yourself. You don’t just lose a small part of you, you lose EVERYTHING.
No one is responsible for making you happy. No ONE. If you want happiness, you need to go find it yourself. You need to do things that makes YOU happy. I hate it when people tells me “I was forced to work (blank). I hate it. I don’t have a choice” or “it’s all X’s fault I’m here. I didn’t want to come here” or “X is horrible! They told me to do this and it’s not working out” or “X came here and succeeded! So I came, but it’s not working out for me.” or “X told me to give, so I gave, now I’m poor” - you know what, REALITY CHECK: WHO’S LIFE IS THIS? Yours or X? People are so easy to blame others, the church, God for their failures just because “they told me so”. Hello, last time I checked, humans aren’t perfect. And last time I checked, you had a right to say no. And last time I checked, there’s the internet for you to do research before making any decisions. And the last time I checked, you have your own personal connection with God. So really, you ending up here, isn’t really anyone’s fault other than yourself. YOU failed to check, YOU failed to ask, YOU didn’t disagree, You didn’t WAIT- so really, it’s YOUR fault your unhappy isn’t it?
I hate this concept of “being let down” because I don’t understand it. Up until now, I don’t understand what it is to be “let down” by someone else. Sure I’ve gotten disappointed by people, I’ve been backstabbed, neglected, torn down, betrayed, ostracized, talked bad, judged- but I can never understand what it means to be “let down” because my happiness, my well-being, my faith, my strength never depended on people in the first place. I live believing that people are from God, placed there for YOU to love and not for you to GET love. Getting loved is a bonus. When you stop putting the responsibility on others for your happiness, your success, your freedom and make it YOUR responsibility- you can never be “let down”. So even if people do disappoint you, it doesn’t bother you so much because your happiness doesn’t depend on them.
When you fail to take responsibility over your life and start depending on someone else to run it for you, when you FAIL or GET “LET DOWN” you’re going to start blaming the whole world for everything that’s messed up WITH you. And seriously, do you think the person you’re blaming will feel anything, pfft. They’d probably just brush you off. Then who’s left hurting, YOU. Then you start getting bitter, you start getting cynical, you start doubting, you start fearing, you start judging, you start being critical and the next thing you know, you’re alone in a big big world feeling empty and lost.
It’s your life, and the last time I checked, when you go to heaven, you’re going to be judged on YOUR actions, not what someone told you to do.
People can advice, threaten, scold you to do something, in the end, you still have the final say in the decision. AND YOU BETTER take responsibility for it. Ask a few people, get clarity, check, double check, triple check, pray, fast, get counsel, use your resources. You do what you must to make sure you get the best for YOU.
So even if you fail, you know it’s not anyone’s fault. The carpenter build the ship, so if it gets messed up, who do you think is at fault. The carpenter, not his tools.
aLLy
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Less Than Perfect but still Loved Abundantly
“Do you think anyone will be able to drive a wedge between Christ’s love for us? There is NO WAY! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in scripture!”
- The encouragement: The love of Christ isn’t going anywhere just because you messed up, fall down, or even because you don’t smell, look or live right. The love of Christ isn’t going to leave you that easily.
“None of these fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing- NOTHING living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable- absolutely NOTHING can get between us and God’s love because of the way Jesus our master has redeemed us.
- The promise: God’s love is always there for us because Jesus has come to redeem us, the fallen. Jesus didn’t come for the perfect, Jesus came for us the ones who messed up, the ones less than perfect.
Stop feeling insecure about yourself just because you’re not a “success”. God’s love is for everyone, especially the fallen. He isn’t here to condemn us to the pits of hell, but to show us love, compassion and mercy. And really nothing, and I mean NOTHING is worth more that God’s love.
This is the promise. The book of life, the bible doesn’t lie.
Passage from Romans 8:31-39 (The Message).
Was feeling pretty low about myself. You know the moment where you feel like a complete mess up? Yup, bit instead of feeling angry and annoyed, I did some quiet time and this verse popped in my head. Just the kind of encouragement I need.
Ally
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Made with Paper
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Back where I Belong
It’s been fun.
Words, I’ve never been short. But for the past few months, it has been.
I’ve been busy, living.
It’s fun, when you let yourself go.
I’m pretty well. Well is an understatement, I’m great, I’m beyond great. I’m loved. Loved, that’s what it is. I’m loved. I know what love is, to be loved, the feel loved, to love.
I always thought love is a nice feeling, comfortable, warm. It is, but so much more greater. I’ve just realised that putting love into words does love no justice. Love is intense, it’s hot, it’s not always comfortable but you wouldn’t trade it for the world, you’ll defend it with your life, you know when you lose it and it scares you like crazy, it’s not superficial, it’s sacrificial, it’s do or die, there’s no maybe, there’s only yes or no, because anything less is not love. It’s just fondness.
That’s where it’s different. Fondness says I’m here for you but when I feel threatened I’m gone. Fondness says I love you but I’m out of here once I realise you’re not perfect. Fondness says I’m so comfortable with you, but when the heat gets a little too hot, I’m the first one out the door. Fondness says I won’t betray you but when opportunity comes with the right incentive, it’s you not me.
They say there is many kinds of love, I don’t know about that. So far, I’ve only known one kind, and it sure took me a whole lot of trials, a whole lot of searching, a whole lot of experience to find the purest kind. Godly and Human kind of love.
Ally
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My responsibility is to do what’s right! Like it or not, we stand for something. We set an example for others to follow and if we don’t, then we’re no better than the people we fight.
-Clark Kent, Smallville
